Poetry-reading, gymnastics and other unforgivable ghostly behaviour!

unghostly behaviour

And finally, something a little less serious for a Friday!

A code of conduct for ghosts, taken from ‘Yankee Notions’, 1838:

Ghosts have been very badly treated by people in general, and if we do not turn over a new leaf, I am under some apprehensions that the whole army of sprites will discontinue their visits, in resentment of these affronts, so that before long, there will not be a ghost to be seen for love, money, or murder. This catastrophe, I grieve to say, seems to be approaching already, for ghosts are not half so common as they were in the days of my grandmother.

Strict justice, however, compels me to say, that the ghosts themselves are somewhat to blame in the matter, their behaviour at times being a little antic and anomalous. There are faults on both sides ; which hoping I may remedy, I offer the following suggestions for the consideration of both parties, and let ghosts and ghost-seers lay them to heart.

In the first place, a ghost should never wear a night-cap. Some readers may doubt whether the thing has ever been done ; but the fact is unquestionable ; ghosts in night-caps have been seen by too many credible persons to allow of any doubt upon this point.

I protest, however, against any such head-dress for a member of the tartarean regions; it is unghostly, and ought to be abandoned. If a ghost has any sense of propriety, let him appear with a bare sconce; it is much more respectable. Some indulgence may perhaps be claimed for a bald ghost, especially considering the coolness of the night air. My great-grandfather, who was a ghost-seer of some talent, used to recommend a wig; but this, I think, would never be endured: a ghost in a wig! what an unspiritual costume. No, — wigs will never do. A white handkerchief might serve every purpose, provided it were not tied on, for that would look night-cappish again.

Secondly, a ghost should never pull a man by the nose. Here again I may be asked, “Have ghosts ever been addicted to nose-pulling?” I am not certain; but the story goes that they have. I pronounce it wrong in toto; it is undignified and improper. If a ghost wishes to give any person so sensible a token of his presence, let him bestow a sound bang upon his noddle: this would be emphatic and decisive ; there would be no mistake about it. But as to our noses, — hands off! No ghost that has any regard for his character, will clap his digits to your olfactory projection. This suggests another thought.

Ought a ghost to be allowed to take snuff? My aunt Grizzel says, yes, if he can keep from sneezing. On mature consideration, I say no, unless it be the ghost of a tobacconist.

Thirdly, a ghost should be nice in his eating : he should not eat too much, nor of the wrong dishes. Some kinds of victuals are unfit for a ghost to eat, and sound very oddly when they are mentioned in connection with a visitor from the invisible world. An old lady of my acquaintance knew a ghost that came one Saturday night into her kitchen and
ate half a dozen pig’s trotters and a plate of minced fish. Another drank a quart of sour cider, but was observed to make a horrible wry face at it. These ghosts might plead their appetite, having travelled probably a good distance; but I think they ought to have gone further and fared worse. In fact, I object to eating altogether; but if it must be done, let them help themselves to light food, and by all means join the temperance Society.

Fourthly, a ghost, when he appears in metamorphosis, should come in a shape befitting the sublimity of his character. I knew a ghost once that came in the shape of a teapot, and another that took the form of a leg of mutton. These are unghostly shapes; for what have legs of mutton and tea-pots to do in the invisible world ? My uncle Tim saw
one in the shape of a militia colonel: it is a pity that any ghost should ever have made such a fool of himself. A justice of peace once told me that he saw a ghost in the shape of a great jackass ; but it was probably nothing more than his own shadow.

Fifthly, there are various points of behaviour in ghosts, to which we may reasonably object.

Ghosts may walk or run as fast as they please, but they ought not to cut capers. Some may say it is difficult for them to avoid this, considering how light they are; but that is their affair and not ours. A ghost, I maintain, ought to behave with sobriety, and not play fantastic tricks. My aunt Grizzel, for instance, saw a ghost jump over a broomstick, and another grinding coffee: now any body could do these things, therefore a ghost ought not to do them. A ghost was seen once, that jumped over a dining-table, flung three somersaults in the air, and made sixteen pirouettes on the tip of his right toe, without putting himself out of breath: I have no doubt this was the ghost of a Frenchman.

Sixthly, besides the rules I have laid down on the subject of night-caps, ghosts ought to be particular in their dress. Some ghosts dress so absurdly that they are not worth looking at when the lights burn blue, as enough such figures may be seen by broad daylight. Ghosts have been known to wear snuff-coloured breeches ! and I have even
known a ghost in cow-hide boots! Is this fit costume for a hobgoblin ? Really, such ghosts ought to be taught better. Habiliments like these can never inspire a ghostly dread in any spectator, even in a church-yard by the light of the moon or when the clock strikes midnight: they are entirely out of keeping. I have heard of a ghost that always came in a new coat, smartly buttoned up, and a spandy clean dickey. This must have heen the ghost of a tailor. A tolerably good colour for a ghost is black ; pepper-and-salt will hardly do: though I should not have much objection to that sort of homespun called thunder-and-lightning. But, after all that can be said in favour of fancy colours, nothing is equal to a white sheet; for, when gracefully thrown on, there is nothing becomes a ghost so well.

Seventhly, ghosts should talk good English, and by all means avoid poetry, for most of the ghost-rhymes current are as bad as any stuff I ever saw in the newspapers. Ghosts ought to maintain a certain tone of loftiness and dignity in their conversation, and not gabble like so many tinkers.

4 thoughts on “Poetry-reading, gymnastics and other unforgivable ghostly behaviour!

  1. Pingback: Ghosts on the Bayou | Me and Dickins

    • Hi GOTB,

      I am delighted to announce the launch of my first collection of ghost stories:

      GHOSTS AND OTHER SUPERNATURAL GUESTS – 12 Tales of haunting

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      An Amazon review:

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      Kind regards, Paul

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